


Heavy On Your Shoulders

by Prince_Levi



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Depression, I can't write summaries, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Referenced Suicide Attempt, Trans Character, eruri - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2015-09-28
Packaged: 2018-04-18 11:04:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4703678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prince_Levi/pseuds/Prince_Levi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A lifeline can come in many shapes in forms, but for Levi it came as Erwin Smith.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is one of my first actual fics, i've written drabbles before but never chapters for fics. so i hope it isn't too bad! obvious trigger warning for depressive themes, mentions of past attempts at suicide, self-harm scars, and pretty much just some dark themes. not too bad, but enough for some. but i hope you enjoy reading this regardless :^)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the first fic i've worked on in almost two years so i hope this isn't too bad! i hope at least somebody enjoys reading this :^)
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> follow me on tumblr @ thetatteredspire

Sunlight leaked through thin curtains, dripping down the wall and across the bedroom floor to finally splay itself across pale skin. The light licked at eyelids, nipping the senses to awaken the sleeping man. Levi's eyes softly fluttered open, taking a moment to realize he was awake before quickly squeezing them shut again to shield his retinas from the sun. It was always the same thing. Being awoken by the sun a mere hours after finally falling asleep, and refusing to get up unless he was _urged_ to do so. And that's exactly what always happens. 

He felt shifting beside him. Old bed-springs creaked slightly under the weight of the man next to him awaking. Levi's eyes fluttered open once more only to be faced with crystal blue eyes looking right back. Erwin gave Levi a groggy half-smile, eyes half lidded and glazed. Levi nuzzled his head under Erwin's chin in reply, arms wrapping around the blonde's waist and settling himself into his chest. He took a deep breath; Erwin's skin smelt like vanilla and freshly-cut grass. He didn't take a shower after coming home from work, did he? No, Levi thought, it's not a dirty smell. It's a soft smell that takes a hold of you by the hand and leads you back to reality on those days he feels dissociated from the world. It's strange how a single smell can knock you back to the ground, almost lifting a half-honest smile from your lips. Levi pressed his face closer against warm skin; hotter than usual in the mornings, almost damp. Levi's skin wasn't as warm, and the dampness is more than likely greasy skin. But nonetheless, he was comfortable right now. Warm, soft skin pressed flush against his own bare chest. 

"Levi?" Erwin's softy yet grainy morning voice muttered.

Levi hummed, not intending on getting up, because he knew Erwin was about to make him. It was too much  _work._ Raising yourself from the bed, almost like a coffin, and placing your heavy feet upon cold wood and trying to tromp your way to the kitchen that you never eat in willingly. Why do it? He can stay here, pressed against Erwin forever.

"Time to get up, alright?"

Levi simply shook his head, causing his nose to accidentally nuzzle against Erwin's chest. It was almost cute, if it wasn't for the state Levi was in.

A sigh was heard above his head, and Erwin's breath fanned Levi's hair apart gently. A large palm splayed against Levi's bare back, fingers tracing up and down his spine and gaining an almost purr sound from Levi. Erwin chuckled in the back of his throat, chest rumbling against Levi's forehead. 

"If I get up, you have to get up with me.... **deal**?" 

It was Levi's turn to sigh. His warm (admittedly nasty) breath blew across Erwin's chest, and he wiggled out of Erwin's grasp to look at him. Half-lidded gray eyes pleaded not to be forced out of bed, but Erwin's own pair of bright blue hopeful eyes seemed to have quickly won the battle that Levi gave up seconds after starting it. Time to face the day, time to do the same thing again and again. When will the cycle end? Erwin tries, he really does, to give _some_ change of pace in Levi's life but it's not enough. Levi knows his boyfriend is busy enough with work to help him even more than he already does, so he doesn't blame him. How could he ever blame him? This isn't his fault. Just take the small deal Erwin has made, and wrap it up into your mind to keep and hold for later. A simple plead means that Erwin truly does care, a silly assurance that Levi doesn't need, but his **depression** does. He blinks, frowning at Erwin. 

"Deal."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for self-harm scars (it's just referenced, nothing happens)

Sunday mornings were called lazy, but every day of the week was lazy to Levi. Erwin doesn't let him be lazy today, though. He has plans for the two of them.

Levi is _grateful_ that Erwin urges him awake- though he wants to fight back and fall into the bed once more, letting the sheets engulf him and wrap around his small frame is too easy. The pillow under his head like the plushness yet firmness of a coffin's inside, the sheets ghosting over his pale skin and pulled up to his chin like a sheet one would cover a corpse with. He's already dead, but Erwin is trying to slowly warm him back to life. He's trying so hard, but he never pushes. He never yells or manhandles Levi. Instead, he places soft touches in the places Levi needs it most. Erwin always plants gentle kisses across his face, catching salty tears before they slip down Levi's face. The man has patience for his lover.

Large arms scoop him up, lifting him from the bed that is his own prison. Levi folds his arms onto his stomach, sliding his hands up a moment later to cover his bare chest. He is carried to away from the mattress and he is distanced from it, he notices he doesn't miss it anymore. He's much more content in Erwin's arms. But Erwin's warm embrace came to a close when he sets Levi down in the bathroom.

"Levi," Erwin turns from him, reaching up to grab a towel off the rack. "Do you want me to shower with you?"

He thought for a moment, his hands still covering his chest as he sat on the lid of the toilet. Two small mounds were under his hands, and he tried to hide the dreaded breasts although there was no reason to hide what is already known. Levi shrugs, "Sure."

Erwin nods and grabs another towel off the rack, placing it on the counter. He undresses rather quickly before turning the shower on; his hand was outstretched as he tested the water for his desired temperature. It always took too long to get warm, like the slow burn of a coming relationship. Like Levi and Erwin was. Levi would argue that Erwin can do better, but the blonde will never hear it. He stays with Levi, helping care for him and loving him. It confused Levi and sometimes hurts his head when he overthinks it.

Levi squirmed his boxers off, now completely bare. He sighs, his other hand snaking down to cover that part of his body as well. Pale hands covered what they could but it wasn't enough to make them go away completely. Gray eyes scanned the man before him, eyes peering up and down the body he knows he will probably never have. It ached his chest, almost like the feeling of wearing a binder for far too long. His eyes dropped to his own body and looking over what he had. Nothing. He had nothing that he desired. Regretting his decision to look at himself, Levi returned his gaze to Erwin once more.

"Alright, it's warm enough," Erwin stated, turning to Levi and holding a hand out. "C'mon."

He helped Levi inside the shower before stepping in himself. The warm water cascaded down Levi's back, steam already beginning to embrace him and beg him to stay. No matter what he does, he never wants to stop, he just wants to stay there. Water dripped down his arms, leaking down his wrists and stinging the pink scars there. The old and newer scars that burn when he showers, the scars that stick out when he find it in him to wear anything that isn't a long sleeved sweater. It's been a while since he's added a new addition. Sometimes he wants to, so badly that he cries just for the sake of it. But he hasn't in a few weeks, Erwin won't let him. Levi slipped up a month ago, letting his self-hatred get the best of him. He wants to do it again lately, but tries his best not to.

"Let me wash your hair, ok?" Erwin spoke suddenly, breaking Levi from his thoughts.

Levi nodded, gladly turning his back on Erwin and in return hiding his body. He heard the lid on the shampoo bottle being popped open and a moment later he felt hands upon his head. Fingers scratching against his scalp, lathering soap into wet hair. Levi let his eyes slowly shut; the feeling was wonderful. Erwin seemed to massage Levi's scalp more than needed, most likely for the boy's sake, before turning him around and rinsing the soap out. It smelled of mint, Levi's favorite scent, especially when it came to shampoo. 

Erwin poured more into his hands, rubbing his them together and lathering the soap up. "Lift your arms, Levi?" It wasn't a demand, it was an ask for permission. Levi obliged after a moment, lifting his arms and shutting his eyes. Hands slid up and down his sides, under his arms, and his shoulders. Levi visibly cringed as he felt Erwin soap up his chest, letting out a whine. Erwin paused at this for a moment, but continued. He helped him rinse off before washing his own hair and body.

After Erwin was done, he shut off the water and helped Levi out. He wrapped the towel around the smaller man's shoulders before wrapping one over his own waist. Levi shivered at the chilly air on his skin, and he wrapped the towel tighter around him. He followed Erwin back into the bedroom, standing in the doorway and watching as Erwin rummaged through the dressers to find clothes.

"Do you want to wear this?" Erwin asks, holding up a black binder.

Levi nods rather quickly, making his way towards him to take it. He grabs the binder from Erwin with both hands, letting the towel slip from his body to fall onto the ground. Cool air from the ceiling fan blew against his damp skin; goosebumps prickling the back of his neck where his hair was still wet but not dripping. Levi struggled a bit to put the binder on, tugging and pulling in all directions to get it over his skin. Finally it slides over his chest, but he pulls on it a bit more until he's satisfied. He reached for the drawers to find clothes and boxers.

"Don't put on your PJ's or anything." Erwin mutters, pulling a blue shirt over his head.

"Why?" Levi flits his eyes up to Erwin's. 

"Because I want to go out to eat. it's too nice of a day outside to waste it indoors, dear. We can walk around the park after as well if you'd like?" 

This earned a small smile from the raven haired boy. "I'd like that."

 


End file.
